JIJI NDOGO: Maandamano fever gets grip on Inspector Tembo

If you know nothing about my boss Inspector Tembo, all you have to do is pay a visit to your old grandpa.

Not the one with the nice stories about how he fought mzungu in the Mau Mau war, and keeps chasing invisible people out of his land. Or the one who walks out of the house to go to the loo and ends up in the neighbour’s house, asking everyone why they looked different and what they had done with his family.

Tembo might not be that old, but senility, or something worse like dementia, is setting in fast. But don’t tell him that. If you dare to, he’s quick to remind you that he still has his G3 rifle and can still wrap his finger around a trigger. I doubt Inspector Tembo can hit a bus from five feet, but I’d rather not find out.

So, when he comes into the office and says he has a brilliant idea to run through Sgt Sophia and I, we sit up and listen.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about our situation,” he says, then he goes quiet.

“What situation?” Sophia prompts.

“Multi-party democracy. I’m not sure this is the right direction for our country.”

“Inspector,” Sophia says, “are you okay?”

“Better than a rock, Sergeant. Why do you ask?”

I try to help. “Inspector, maybe you meant a situation closer to home and maybe closer to this century?”

“Oh, yes.” It’s like he’d gone off to some place and then snaps back to reality. “Our transport.”

Sophia and I are stumped. It’s been a while since anyone brought up the subject since all our requests have been shut down summarily.

“The bicycle?” Sophia says. “What about it?”

“It only has one wheel.”

“We know that, sir. What have you been thinking about it?”

He begins pacing in front of the OB desk, looking like his old self, the man in control. “How many times have we written those stupid higher-ups for proper government transport?”

“We’ve lost count.”

“That’s right. Too many times, and it’s time we put our foot down.”

“We’ve tried that, sir,” I remind him. “The Inspector General’s office did not look too kindly on our last letter. They said it bordered on insubordination.”

He spits. “Insubordination my foot. This time we need to make them feel our wrath, and I can guarantee you letters won’t work anymore. I mean, how many times have we written those stupid higher-ups for proper government transport?”

Sophia touches his arm. She’s his daughter and the gesture seems to calm him. “Dad, we all agree the letters haven’t worked. What other idea do you have in mind?”

He puts a hand on his chin. “You’re right. The letters haven’t worked. So what are we left with? There’s a solution we haven’t tried. Everyone else is doing it but us. It will involve going all the way to Eldoret, but even if we have to walk, I assure you it will be worth it.”

My mouth gapes. “You want us to walk to Eldoret?”

“We can’t use the bicycle, now, can we Sgt Makini?”

“Of course not, sir.”

He raises a fist in the air. “Then it’s decided. We will go to Eldoret and we shall hold maandamanos there until we get a brand-new car.”

“That’s your idea?” Sophia asks. “It’s only the three of us. What difference will it make?”

“That depends. How destructive can you two be?”

“Destructive?” Sophia frowns. “You want us to destroy things?”

“And what do you mean by the ‘two of us’. Aren’t you going to be there?”

Sophia shoots me daggers. “Makini, please tell me you’re not entertaining this stupid idea.”

“I’m only trying to make sense of—”

“Because I’ll be the one arresting you,” Tembo says. “And while you’re in prison, I can’t work by myself without a car.”