The guest of honour spent half the party skulking indoors to sip his beer out of sight because one of his elderly aunts was present.
The absurdity? He had spent the years leading up to the big day working at a brewery. Everyone, including the sainted aunt, knew it.
It was the sort of farce that makes you wonder whether respect is a noble value or just a particularly stubborn bad habit.
That incident took place more than 35 years ago, and ever since, I have wondered whether we cling to outdated notions of what constitutes respectful behaviour.
So, when my favourite breakfast radio show recently began discussing the matter during one of their regular “family meeting” slots, I stopped everything to hear what others thought.
There are certain actions done today in the name of “respect” that, quite frankly, are archaic and should have been chopped up for firewood, much as one presumes Noah’s Ark was after its year-long voyage, if you believe the Bible.
A caller summed it up neatly: offering your seat to someone elderly or infirm is one thing. Pretending you have never touched a cigarette or a pint glass in front of an older relative, even though they know perfectly well you have, is quite another.
Another caller recalled his 21st birthday party at home, where he refused to touch alcohol because his parents were present. This, despite the fact that his parents were merrily swigging along with everyone else. It was a masterclass in pointless self-denial.
The discussion reminded me of the latest pearl of wisdom from the Kenya Wet Blanket Association, more commonly known as Nacada (National Authority for the Campaign Against Alcohol and Drug Abuse).
These civic-minded busybodies now want to ban anyone under 21 from drinking alcohol.
This is in a country where the age of majority is 18; old enough to vote, marry, drive, pay taxes, have sex and produce children, but apparently too young to have a glass of wine.
It is the legislative equivalent of giving someone a driving licence but insisting they must wear a crash helmet in bed.
To be fair, Nacada’s suggestion is not necessarily about respect for elders but relates more to generational differences in alcohol consumption.
A study published in 2019 concluded that “heavy drinking is more prevalent among middle-aged and older people”.
I suspect members of the “respect” brigade would have been horrified by the conversation I was hearing on the radio.
However, as the host of the show said, “I'm not saying we must disrespect older people, but is this the way we demonstrate our respect? By stripping ourselves of our adulthood and hiding in a ludicrous way, where the whole world knows what everybody's up to!
“We are feigning respect because, in our minds, this is the respectful thing to do. It's like a stupid game that everybody's playing.”
The discussion became livelier when a parent of adult children called in to say that, when she hosts a party at her home, she has no issue with her grown-up offspring smoking or drinking.
In fact, she admitted she would be more suspicious about what they were consuming if they felt the need to hide from her.
Beyond the alcohol-and-tobacco theatre lies a more insidious problem: adults being treated like children in all spheres of life.
Whether it is control over their finances, their relationships or their health decisions, some are never allowed to graduate into full adulthood.
Take the case of an adult woman discouraged by her mother from going for a cervical smear test because “those are only for women who are having sex”. Result: the woman misses potentially life-saving preventive care in order to keep up a pretence that fools no one.
As the host put it: What the hell are we doing to adults to make them feel like children in the name of respect?
