Only for the dream to be shattered by one word blinking on that digital window of the Clear Blue Test. While everyone was having a pleasant New Year, mine was filled with dread and denial. Even after missing a period and the test confirming the pregnancy, I was still in denial for a long time.
My gynaecologist was booked out and I had some pain symptoms that required me to go to urgent care. Even at the ER, I still said, “Yeah, I may be pregnant, but I’m not sure.” I just didn't want to accept the reality I had been dealt with. A reality that had for a while been a nightmare for me.
I spent most of 2024 wondering if I was ready or cut out to be a mother again. I watched the people around me getting pregnant. I watched my own child grow and wonder if I was equipped to do this again. And in the end, my conclusion was that I was not.
Having a second child after the terrible twos and trying threes without a break or outside help was just something my husband and I were not ready for.
As such, we had agreed to take a nice, long summer break this year before revisiting the topic again. Finding out that we were going to be parents in the midst of the trying times with our three-year-old led to an interesting few months in our home. My denial, my husband’s panic and my son’s literal obsession with having a baby sister even though we did not know the gender.
While we eventually collected ourselves and gave thanks to the new blessing we were about to receive, I can’t help but chuckle at our initial reaction. To think that almost nine months have passed since then is almost impossible to fathom. I remember my first gynaecologist visit like it was yesterday. Yet here I am, preparing to go in for my last appointment before the birth.
Not all pregnancy reactions are the same. Some of us who have had accidental pregnancies are allowed to feel somewhat disappointed about the unplanned event. We are allowed to mourn the loss of something as trivial as a holiday that we were looking forward to. We are allowed to feel defeated after three years of sleep deprivation.
It might have not been the best news for us initially, but over the course of nine months, we collected ourselves and embraced our new reality as we did the first time round.
